Remembering How Good God Is

Adam and I met in college and got married when I was 24. We both wanted children but not right away.  Adam’s job moved us from Illinois to North Carolina immediately after we got married.  We wanted to have time to make friends, explore the area, and enjoy married life for a bit before kids.  Adam and I had always wanted multiple children.  We talked about having 3 when we were younger.  We decided we would start trying right after I turned 30.  We figured we would get pregnant right away.  

We starting trying but it took us many months to get pregnant.  We found out we were pregnant around Oct of 2010.  I was 32 years old.  I called my OB and had an appointment booked for when I was 8 weeks.  When I was around 7 weeks, I experienced an ectopic pregnancy.  The baby had formed in one of my tubes, grown, and exploded the tube causing massive internal bleeding.  I didn’t know what was going on.  At first I thought it was something I ate.  After being rushed to the ER they did an internal ultrasound and figured out what was going on.  By that point, my blood pressure was very low and they needed to rush me into emergency surgery.  I had a major blood transfusion and surgery to repair the damage. The surgery saved my life. After surgery I was in the ICU and then spent a few more nights in the hospital recovering.

Soon after being home, I started to experience lots of anxiety.  After spending time in counseling, I realized that after that ectopic pregnancy, I never took time to grieve the loss.  I just said, “Well I should be happy I’m alive.” I still to this day work through medical anxiety when I have doctor appointments.  

Eventually we started trying for another baby.  We had some pregnancies that didn’t progress and I miscarried very early on.  Finally when I was 35 we had a pregnancy that was progressing like it should.  We had an ultrasound and for the first time ever, we saw that flashing heartbeat.  I had my 12 week appointment scheduled for right after the New Year.  We decided to tell our family about our pregnancy at Christmas.  We thought it would be the best gift ever for them.  We went for our 12 week appointment expecting everything to be great as I had been feeling normal.  During the exam they could not find a heartbeat for the baby with the handheld monitor.  We went and did an ultrasound and we found out the baby had stopped growing at 10 weeks.  We were so surprised and crushed.  I’ve never felt emotional pain like that in my life.  The hardest part was telling all our family and friends the news. 

Eventually we got pregnant again but again the baby wasn’t progressing like it should and I miscarried early on.  Then in Oct of 2016, when I was 37 years old I found out I was pregnant again.  Adam and I had a trip to Montreal planned and I needed blood work done before I left to see if the baby was progressing.  While in Montreal we went to the Notre-Dame Basilica while we were sight seeing.  We lit a candle for our pregnancy and prayed it would progress.  A little while later, on the streets of Montreal, we got the call that the pregnancy was progressing.  I will always remember that moment.  We were excited, but guarded because of what had happened before.  The pregnancy progressed normally.  We had extra ultrasounds to help our hearts and minds stay at ease.  My OB said, “This is a different pregnancy.  It’s not like the ones before.  Just remember that.”  I struggled with anxiety during the pregnancy and had to rely on God, Adam, my family and friends during this time.  On June 24, 2017 Evan Maxwell Reinke was born. 

About a year after Evan was born, we decided to try again for one more.  We put a deadline of Jan 2019 on ourselves.  If it didn’t happen by then, we were done. 

On New Year’s Eve, I took a pregnancy test and we found out I was pregnant again.  We were excited but cautious.  I think we were less cautious though because of Evan and knowing I could successfully conceive and carry a child.  I had blood work done and found out the pregnancy was progressing as it should.  We went in for an early ultrasound and saw the baby at 7 weeks, heartbeat flashing.  We were so excited.  Excited to be parents again.  Excited to see Evan as a big brother.  Excited to share the news with our family.  We told our family soon after the news and everyone was overjoyed.  We made a list of all the things we needed to do before the new baby arrived.  We picked out names for the baby.

We went in for our next appointment when I was around 11 weeks expecting everything to be normal but again they could not find a heartbeat with the handheld monitor.  We went for an ultrasound and it showed the baby had no heartbeat and had stopped progressing at 10 weeks.  At that point we decided we were done trying.

The Things I Have Learned  

 

1.     I love Adam and would have been ok with just him.  There was a long time where I wasn’t sure if it was God’s will for us to have children. I had to think about if I would be ok with no children and just Adam for the rest of my life.  I knew I would be.  We went through so much and it only made us better.  We grew together through all the pain and struggles.  I appreciate him and he made and still makes me a better person. 

 

2.      Babies are a miracle.  To have a child is a miraculous thing.  It just doesn’t always happen.  We can’t take it for granted.  Every day I tell Evan I love him and am so happy to be spending time with him.  I try to make the most of each day and each experience I get with him.

 

3.      More people go through infertility struggles then you realize.  Before today, I’ve never told my story publically but when I talk about our story in private, I’m astounded by how many people are struggling or have struggled with infertility or pregnancy loss.  My advice is if you have a friend that is going through infertility issues, just be there for them.  Take them to dinner.  Go to a workout class.  Offer to go to an appointment with them.  Pray for them. They don’t need advice, they just need you to be their friend.

 

4.       It’s ok to get help.  I needed help with anxiety.  I could not fix myself.  It’s ok to talk to a professional.  I think that most people could use a counselor or trusted friend to talk things through with.  I had such a stigma about counseling and medication before I went through it.  Now I think it’s silly not to do it if you need it!

 

5.       God is Good.  In the end, God is good.  How can I say that after the struggles and heartbreak?  One of my favorite songs that has helped me so much is called “Where the light shines through” by Switchfoot.  

Part of the lyrics say

And the only tattoos that I have are scars

I got your name written on my heart

And the story that brought us here ain't the thing that changed, no

I wanna see that light shining

Brighter than the pain

Cause your scars shine like a dark star

Yeah, your wounds are where the light shines through

So let's go there, to that place where

We sing these broken prayers where the light shines through

If you know me, you know I’m not a tattoo girl.  I like to think my only tattoos are the scars from life’s journeys.  I hope that through my scars, others can see the light come through.  Yes I’ve had disappointment.  Yes I’ve had physical pain.  Yes I’ve been emotionally on my knees so many times.  But in the end, God is always there for me.  I can send Him my broken prayers and know He is listening.  He takes the broken pieces and puts them back together. 

I’ve also learned that God is using me to be a light to others.  Every person I’m close with in life has a thorn or thorns in their life.  I feel like God has given me the privilege to come besides other women and help them feel comfortable sharing without judgment. I want them to see God’s hope despite circumstances and remember what God has done for us in the past. 

Before my life suddenly changed this year, I told a friend I felt like the message God wanted me to share this year was that when things seem dark we need to be like the Israelites and remember how God has been faithful. 

Exodus 12:24-27

New International Version

24 “Obey these instructions as a lasting ordinance for you and your descendants. 25 When you enter the land that the Lord will give you as he promised, observe this ceremony. 26 And when your children ask you, ‘What does this ceremony mean to you?’ 27 then tell them, ‘It is the Passover sacrifice to the Lord, who passed over the houses of the Israelites in Egypt and spared our homes when he struck down the Egyptians.’” Then the people bowed down and worshiped.

I know many of you are going through struggles currently. 

 

My advice? REMEMBER. Become an expert in God's Goodness

 

Remember how God loves us despite our sins and brought you hope in Him. 

Remember how God put you into a beautiful church that uplifts you. 

Remember how God brought that prodigal son or daughter home. 

Remember when God gave you just the right friend at just the right time. 

Remember how God gave you beautiful children.

Remember when God brought you through that medical issue.

Remember that job God provided you with that  provides for your family.

Remember how God brought you the perfect husband. 

Remember that because of Jesus we have victory over the grave.

People have asked me how I can be so strong and trust God when life is so hard.  I believe we have a choice in life to either remember and choose God or harden our hearts and turn away.  I’m choosing today to lean into God and remember.