“So, this is your seventh pregnancy?” The OB nurse asked us that question in January of 2019 while we
were at the office for a checkup on our recent pregnancy.
To tell you the truth, I have not kept track of
how many times I’ve been pregnant. All I
know is that it’s been a long road.
The road began right before I turned 30 in
2009. Adam and I decided we were ready
to start trying for children. The
Brewgrass beer festival was right around the corner in September after my
birthday. I told Adam that I didn’t want
to start trying until after Brewgrass because I didn’t want to get pregnant
right away and not be able to drink. LOL
- if I knew then what I know now!
We started trying and it took us many months to
get pregnant. We found out we were
pregnant around October of 2010. We were
overjoyed. I called my OB
and had an appointment booked for when I was 8 weeks. At around 7 weeks in, I experienced an
ectopic pregnancy. The baby had formed
in one of my fallopian tubes, grown, and exploded the tube causing massive
internal bleeding. I didn’t know what
was going on. At first, I thought it was
something I ate. After being rushed to
the ER they did an internal ultrasound and figured out what was going on. By that point, my blood pressure was very low
and they needed to rush me into emergency surgery. The surgery saved my life. After surgery I was in the ICU for a night
then spent a few more nights in the hospital.
Soon after being home, I started to experience
lots of anxiety. After spending time in
counseling and using some medication to help me, I realized that after that
ectopic pregnancy, I never took time to grieve the loss. I just said, “Well, I should be happy that
I’m alive.”
Eventually we started trying for another
baby. We had some pregnancies that
didn’t progress and I miscarried very early on.
Finally in 2014 we had a pregnancy that was progressing like it
should. We had an ultrasound and for the
first time ever, we saw a flashing heartbeat.
I had my twelve-week appointment scheduled for right after the New
Year. We decided to tell our family
about our pregnancy at Christmas. We
went for our twelve-week appointment expecting everything to be great, as I had
been feeling normal. During the exam
they could not find a heartbeat for the baby with the handheld monitor. We had an ultrasound and found out the baby
had stopped growing at ten weeks. We
were so surprised and crushed. I’ve
never felt emotional pain like that in my life.
The hardest part was telling all our family and friends the news. As hard as it was to share the news, we were
very grateful to have their friendship and support.
Eventually we got pregnant again but again the
baby wasn’t progressing like it should and I miscarried early on. Then in October of 2016 I found out I was
pregnant again. Adam and I had a trip to
Montreal
planned and I needed bloodwork done before I left to see if the baby was
progressing. While in Montreal we went to the Notre-Dame Basilica
and we lit a candle for our pregnancy and prayed it would continue. A little while later, on the streets of Montreal, we got the call
from the doctor that the pregnancy was progressing. We were excited, but guarded because of what
had happened before. The pregnancy
progressed normally, but we had extra ultrasounds to help our hearts and minds
stay at ease. My OB
said, “This is a different pregnancy.
It’s not like the ones before.
Just remember that.” I struggled
with anxiety during the pregnancy and had to rely on God, Adam, my family and
friends during this time. On June 24,
2017 Evan Maxwell Reinke was born. He is
the joy of our life. We are thankful
every day for him and his beautiful personality.
Adam and I had always wanted multiple
children. We talked about having as many
as three when we were younger. About a
year after Evan was born, we decided to try again for one more. We put a deadline of January 2019 on
ourselves. If it didn’t happen by then,
we were done.
On New Year’s Eve of 2018, I took a pregnancy
test and we found out I was pregnant again.
We were excited but guarded. I
think we were less guarded because we had Evan and knowing I could successfully
conceive and carry a child. I had
bloodwork done and found out the pregnancy was progressing as it should. We went in for an early ultrasound and saw
the baby at seven weeks, heartbeat flashing.
We were so excited. Excited to be
parents again. Excited to see Evan as a
big brother. Excited to share the news
with our family. We told our family soon
after the news and everyone was overjoyed.
We made a list of all the things we needed to do before the new baby
arrived.
We went in for our next appointment when I was
around eleven weeks expecting everything to be normal but again they could not
find a heartbeat with the handheld monitor.
We went for an ultrasound and it showed the baby had no heartbeat and
had stopped progressing at ten weeks. We were so disappointed and sad. Again, we relied on family and friends to
help us through the hard times.
Are we done trying to have another baby? Yes.
Might we look at foster care or adoption in the
future? Maybe.
Have I grown and learned so much from all of
this? Yes.
The Things I Have Learned
1.
I
love Adam and would have been ok with just him. Haha.
That sounds bad but when we were in the depths of this, before Evan, I
had to decide if I would be ok with no children and just Adam the rest of my
life. I knew I would be. We went through so much in all of this and it
only made us better. We grew together
through all the pain and struggles. I
appreciate him and he makes me a better person.
2. Babies
are a miracle. To have
a child is a miraculous thing. It just
doesn’t always happen. We can’t take it
for granted. Every day I tell Evan I love
him and am so happy to be spending time with him.
3. More
people go through infertility struggles then you realize. I’ve never told my story publicly but when I
talk about our story in private, I’m astounded by how many people are
struggling. If you have a friend that is
going through infertility issues, just be there for them. Take them to dinner. Go to a workout class. They don’t need advice,
they just need you to be their friend.
4. It’s
ok to get help. I
needed help with anxiety. I could not
fix myself. It’s ok to talk to a
professional. I think that most people
could use a counselor or trusted friend to talk things through with. I had such a stigma about counseling and
medication before I went through it. Now
I think it’s silly not to do it if you need it!
5. God
is Good. In the
end, God is good. How can I say that
after the struggles and heartbreak? One
of my favorite songs that has helped me so much is called “Where the light
shines through” by Switchfoot. Part of
the lyrics go:
And the only tattoos that I have are scars
I got your name written on my heart
And the story that brought us here ain’t the
thing I'd change, no
I wanna see that light shining
Brighter than the pain
Cause your scars shine like a dark star
Yeah, your wounds are where the light shines through
So let's go there, to that place where
We sing these broken prayers where the light shines through-
If you know me, you know
I’m not a tattoo girl. I like to think
my only tattoos are the scars from this journey. I hope that through my scars, others can see
the light come through. Yes I’ve had
disappointment. Yes I’ve had physical
pain. Yes I’ve been emotionally on my
knees so many times. But in the end, God
is there for me always. I can send Him
my broken prayers and know He is listening.
He takes the broken pieces and puts them back together. He’s given me so much in my life to be
grateful for and I’m not going to take any of it for granted.
If you or anyone you know is going through infertility, please feel free to share or contact me. Adam and I both feel that it's our privilege to stand alongside others as they go through their journey and to let them know they are not alone.
